My mother was my best friend, one that in my mind wouldn't go anywhere. She was going to be there for me whenever, days that I felt happy and days when I felt my worst. Today is a day that I feel completely rubbish and she's not here. If you don't know me, then you don't know what happened. My mum died in a car accident and my whole world turned upside down from there. I have decided to write this post to raise awareness of how difficult it is to be left without a mothers love.
My brother at the age of 12 saw her pass away, and I think he's one of the strongest people I know. I felt guilty to show what I thought was weakness, by grieving because in my mind all I wanted was to be strong for my dad and my brother and hold together my family, that was just falling apart no matter what I did. My dad is pretty old school, the type of dad that was a workaholic and still is, my mum spent the most time with us and when she was gone my dad had to take the role of both parents and deal with two kids that were out of control. I felt so sorry seeing my dad cope with it all, knowing that he's lost his life partner and he's growing old alone.
How did I feel and how do I feel now?
At the time I thought I was fine.. I thought I could try and be the "woman"of the house and that wasn't me because at the end of the day I was still sixteen, growing up too fast to please others. At that age you grow up with your mum guiding you throughout life and I didn't have that. I grew up with a state of confusion, not knowing how to deal with things. My friends have always been there for me and am so grateful for knowing every single one of them, but I need more, I need her.
The way I dealt with it, was that it wasn't real, that she was going to come back to me, come back from Egypt and it was all some weird lie or something. But now in my 20's I've come to the realisation that I will never get her cuddles again. However I've always wanted to make her proud and one thing she used to preach about constantly was education. For me to go to uni and get my degree and be a smart woman like herself! So I did just that, I went to uni, tried to bury my head in books and be that daughter she's always wanted. But now coming to an end to my masters I feel like what now? I just want to make her proud but for some reason I feel like I've disappointed her.
Last year was a tough year, I went through a lot and realised that I developed depression and anxiety, I dealt with it in the worst type of way by pushing away friends that loved me. I just want them to know that I regret it all.. And I appreciate every one of them. Til this day I have times when I do switch off and ghost, it's a front to cover up the way I feel by not explaining why am being this way.
I just want people who have lost their mum to know that no matter how alone you feel, there are people around that care.. Don't push away friends and family, that's not the way to cope with it. Your allowed to grief no matter what situation you are in afterwards.
If my mum was here now, she would probably laugh at me for being so sensitive. She was a woman who was deeply loved by everyone that met her, to the point that when she passed away three mosques full of people prayed for her. She is my role model and a queen in my eyes and I haven't forgotten anything about her and her beautiful soul.
